Tuesday, July 5, 2011

2 am reflections

Here I am again, awake at 2 am for no good reason listening to the sounds of sleep and night... Which for the record isn't all that quiet.

But tonight, unlike last night, I am grateful and optimistic. Last night I was irritated and pessimistic. I tried to calm my mind last night by thinking of things I was grateful for. It didn't go so well, whenever I came up with something I would find myself digressing into the negative.

Finally I gave up and took a quarter of a melatonin. As it was kicking in I flipped over to see a head silhouetted against the window which was lit by the light of the moon. Startled as I was I didn't have enough umph left in me to send the child back to bed and I let him crawl in next to me and listen to him tell me how he was afraid of the dark (this is new) and he had a bad dream about an alien with glowy green eyes that wanted to shake him and take him away. I soothed him and as we both drifted off to sleep a thought struck me as my husband, in sleep, reached out to hold my hand.

I have it.

It's amazing how stuck we can get in the negative energy, how hard it is to shake. Life is hard, if you don't think so, you aren't living it. But it's not bad. Sometimes we just need that little boy, who is closer to heaven, who needs us, or that touch that reminds us. Sometimes all we need is some good old fashioned hard work.

Today I had a happier start to my day but also a thought that my sister had shared with me from the night before. "Why is it so easy to be pessimistic? Because it is SO easy."

We set things up for a morphed ward party: which was more work than you'd think. And Hot and bug bitey and I wasn't even out there the whole time. But we also got some other work done that needed doing and that is so therapeutic to me. I love having little check marks ticking away in my brain's list. Some of the most pleasing things to me today were: the ward party turned out well all considered. The kids played in the back yard by choice, they seem to just need a little distraction and fuel to their imaginations. We got our porch swing hung up and Gary and I got to swing out there for a bit and enjoy the noisy night and a little reflection. I also used a frame from the house and some matting from a previous framing project to frame the ink drawing I did for valentine's day and hang it up in our bedroom. I am liking the house more as I get things put together.

It is starting to feel like home.


  1. You always seem to put words to things I have lived and done! I love that you are so real and also that no matter how easy it is to be pessimistic there are also always rays of sunshine that help remind us what is really important!